Entry 5: 5 years soon... Wow

So this entry is a little light in terms of baby talk, but this is kind of the lull period. She's not quite big enough that we're noticing significant changes, but not quite small enough to say nothing is going on.

Never the less I am still VERY excited. It's hard for me to keep my emotions in check most days thinking ahead to the fact that I'm going to be a dad. I think I hide it well for the sake of this being the big reveal to Erica about this diary.

I think I'll be telling her Saturday, as originally planned. Saturday marks our 5 year anniversary. She has something planned and I think she thinks I forgot because I've just been playing off of the fact that I'm very excited for tomorrow with no mention of the anniversary at all.

Looking back at the past 5 years, I cannot believe how far we've come. We have so many stories, adventures and memories. Some good, some bad, most unforgettable. And with this pregnancy I look ahead with a hope that we'll have so many more.

I cannot wait for Saturday to see her face when she finally realizes that I've been doing this all along. That I really DO care. That I don't just pick my teeth with pieces of the journal I've peeled off (DON'T JUDGE ME) and more importantly, when she realizes I really do care and I have been making an effort.

Until next time my soon-revealed super-secret journal...

Entry 4: Baby is out of the bag

As of this post, everyone knows. We've had quite a bit of repeating of old stories, sharing the same details and people feeling left out because "They didn't know first". But everyone knows.

Now I'll recount who knows what, when and where:

1. Pat was the first to know. I was weak and told my best friend of nearly 30 years first. It was an emotional dinner. Erica was a little annoyed that I played up her telling her grandma and cousin
2. Erica's Grandma and cousin found out next. This was primarily in a panic because of Ashley, Erica's cousin, announcing her 6 week pregnancy. 
3. Next came the big reveal. We went out to breakfast with my immediate family. I told my mom to order something from the Grandma menu, because she's old. AND SHE'S GOING TO BE A GRANDMA. Many tears were had. 
4. Then we decided to tell Erica's mom on her birthday. Erica got a very clever card that was all about being a new Grandman then put a signature line saying "Oh s***... this was supposed to be a birthday card. It was cute and her mom was very happy for us. 
5. Next was Erica's dad. This was a tough one because we had his entire family there for another get together. We told him just before diner when he dad mentioned something about "Well when you get pregnant". Her sister (who is also pregnant - about 4 weeks ahead of us) and her Fiancée both knew and congratulated us as well.
6. And finally, we told the whole world. THE WHOLE THING! That's what facebook does, right? Tells everyone. People young and old, friends we haven't seen in years, Friends we didn't know we had. They all knew. 

It was very stressful and now it's done. Now we simply need to move forward and look ahead to our bright future. 

Until next time my super-secret journal...

Entry 3: Fears, Tears and Cheers

Well today was the big day. I won't lie it was probably one of the most nerve racking moments of my life. But in a good way. We met our OBGYN today and he seemed very nice, minus a moment of minor panic.

Fears: We enter his office and he sits us down for the first ultrasound. As he moves it around and we see nothing on the screen, he asks "Do you see anything?". Without a second thought I blurt out "Do you!?".

Tears: "Yes I do, see this flicker. It is the hearbeat". I that VERY vulnerable moment where I saw my babies first heart beat, mine skipped one. I shed a tear, but from the eye not facing Erica. I had to be a MANLY-MAN.

Cheers: This was the moment we were waiting for and it was an utter triumph. We have a healthy baby growing inside of Erica and our next appointment should show us more. I can't wait.

Until next time my super-secret journal...

Entry 2: T-minus 1 week and counting

With next week being week 10 or 11 by our guess, we have officially booked our doctors appointment. Choosing the right OBGYN was a long process involving research, reviews and overall feedback from some friends and family (obviously as a "in the event we are pregnant who would you recommend").

We have settled on one and everything is set for the initial appointment. This is becoming much more real extremely quickly. Also, I'm again assaulted by so many thoughts, mostly when I'm alone or trying to sleep. DAMN YOU THOUGHTS ABOUT BABIES. Feels like my whole world is upside down, but in a good way

Erica has also asked me to be more involved in the research process, so she doesn't feel she is alone in this. I keep playing the distant card all in hopes that this surprise is worth it.

I've done several bits of research. Listening to podcasts, reading wiki articles and news journals. Even hitting Youtube pretty hard in the wee hours of the night. I try and avoid anything too traumatic and worrying, I want to put out as much positive energy focused on happy and healthy babies.

I guess I'll find out next week how things are going and whether we have anything to even worry about.

Until next time my super-secret journal...

Entry 1: Letter to my Fiancé

This is Erica, my ADORABLE Fiancé

"Yes dear, I will be writing in my journal". This is the well-placed white lie I told her. My fiancé is a huge planner and advocate of being 5 steps ahead of the game. 

In case you haven't been able to guess by the name of the blog or the URL, she's pregnant. This will be our first child and after what seems like an eternity of trying (nearly a year) we finally got the good news. It was an exciting and tear filled afternoon. 

Erica wanted us to start a diary or journal on how we feel throughout the entire ordeal. The idea is to present it to our child/children (we were shooting for twins) when they come of age. It is meant to be something of a tale of the journey and our first foray in to parenthood. 

I have been intentionally difficult in this regard. I am not good at putting pen to paper and writing my feelings. I'm a marketer by nature, which means I'm a fan of spinning a story in person. So how do I keep her happy, while also not driving myself insane with writing my "feelings"? I write a super secret blog and give it to her in a few months, when I'm ready. That sounds like a plan, right? It allows me to be creative with things like images and graphs, while also spinning that tale. 

Now on to the important questions....How am I feeling?

To be completely blunt, I have been washed over by a floor of emotions. Happy, worried, paranoid, ecstatic. Inside I'm a real mess. What if something happens during the pregnancy? What if it's a false alarm? Will I be a good dad? It's a scary step, but I move forward hopeful for the future. There has literally never been a single challenge Erica and I haven't been able to tackle. 

I look forward to regular updates and using this as my way of passing my emotions through an initial internal proofing process. 

Until next time super-secret journal...